Friendship or an emotional affair?

2021.09.20 07:29 nicklearse81 Friendship or an emotional affair?

My apologies for the length.
My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for 9. Have 2 great kids, 7 and 3 and saving up for our first house instead of renting.
I'm a school caretaker and my wife is a teaching assistant, but acting has always been something she loved growing up and wanted to get back into.
I'm pretty much the caretaker at home too. I cook, clean, laundry make the lunches for the kids etc. The wife says I'm her live in carer.
During the first lockdown, she managed to find an online group who paired up actors with writers to do fortnightly monologues. I've gotta say, she was amazing. Helped out when she asked, but mostly did it by herself and loved seeing her finished results.
After 3 months the group had done all of the videos and said their farewells. This is when we both agreed that this was her love and we should try to make the acting work, along side her current job so we still had a steady income coming in, until she was able to make it a full time career.
With my wife loving her reading of romance, vampires etc, it was like a sign from the gods when she saw a casting for a play which was a LGBT vampire play.
We talked it through and I said what I would and would not be comfortable with, as this would have been her first live acting role (kissing etc)
She sent off her audition and then had the call. She had got a part, one of the main characters from the original story, but as a smaller part in this version.
She had a few online sessions with the cast members and then the weekend rehearsals started. Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday.
This is when the feeling in my gut hit me and I started to notice things that weren't normal in our relationship.
My wife is constantly on her phone, Reddit, Facebook, Instagram etc...But now, the WhatsApp messaging started to go into overdrive. Constantly checking whether she had a message from the lady putting on the play, who happens to be lesbian, although married also. But my wife was now sending messages all throughout the day, everyday.
The week of the play came and it was like I was a single Dad. She was out early, back late, but I knew that she had said that they were only supposed to have been there 2 hours before the performances. With the play starting at 8pm, leaving at 11-12, I thought was a bit excessive for a 1 hour drive to get there.
For someone who had been constantly on her phone, it had changed to never on her phone, unless she was driving to and from the play or even before she left and when she arrived back home. From the time she left the house, I and the children got nothing.
It came to a bit of a head when I challenged her and asked about why she was texting and driving. Why she wasn't sending anything to the kids and that I was feeling like this play meant more to her than we did.
She got massively defensive and said that this wasn't true and that she was doing this for a better life for us. We had decided on this together, and I wanted to make her happy. Happy wife, happy life right?
Flash forward 3 weeks, the play has finished but the messages have not. Messages are being sent from first thing in the morning when she wakes up til just before she goes to sleep. I had another go, stupidly, saying you're constantly on your phone and the reply I got was that 'I can't have friends now!' 'She gets me' and 'I can be myself with her'. Which I've gotta say for nearly a ten year marriage hurt to hear. I've unfortunately seen messages while we've been on the sofa together, talking about the chats we've had.
It seem like this woman knows everything about what is going on in our life, and gets to know what's happening with my wife before I do.
My wife even got her a very personal present for letting her be in her first play, which was based on something that they had had a conversation about one of the days she had been there early. Nothing sexual, but very deep in meaning.
Its now got the the point where she is checking her Whatsapp at work in the toilets. Which I know she is not checking for me or family, as I or they wouldn't text her while we knew she was at work and not on a lunch break.
She now has her phone on silent at home, but I know that she goes into Whatsapp everytime I leave the room or she does, as I've seen the time stamps. And yes, I am trying my hardest not to be spying on her, but I just don't know what to do.
Everything just seems to be centered around this new friendship.
I've tried talking and that just hasn't worked.
Any advice would be really appreciated, I don't know whether to just leave it, or try and say something again? I love her so much and I don't want to leave her, but don't know where to go from here.
Thanks for reading and hope someone could give me some good advice.
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2021.09.20 07:29 weewoowaabahh Would like others perspective

So I've been repeating this situation over and over in my mind for months now and I'd like some other eyes on it : in short - I was in a situation where I had a breakdown at a party and was around two people close to me who claimed to love and deeply care for me. One of them is well aware of my diagnosis and struggles over the years, the other not as much. The breakdown lasted many hours and I basically went to nightmare hell and was very suicidal and afraid and delusional. I spoke with a friend on the phone, a suicide hotline and my therapist at various points. I reached out to these two people mentioned previously who were in my physical proximity essentially begging for help via text message because I was genuinely suicidal and losing it (and in incredible pain.) They essentially blew me off and hung out the party we were at drinking and hanging out. So the story in my mind is : these people basically left me for dead on the side of the road. I have cut all ties possible with both of them and feel deep pain when thinking of them. I know this is classic splitting. The day after this episode they basically made me apologize to them which I was fine with at the time. The one who wasn't really informed of my issues I attempted to explain (not excuse ) my behavior and send articles about bpd. I never heard anything back. When I told this story to someone else they said "well they aren't emt - they aren't trained to handle your mental health crisis " and I feel like 'ok - yeah - but that makes ME the most qualified person to care for myself during a break down !? In my mind this all treads a moral territory -- like if you see someone drowning and choose not to help because you don't want to get wet. That is how I now see them in my mind. Can anyone relate to any of this ?
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2021.09.20 07:29 Mental_Magician_3007 Nextdoor is the fun house for creeping on children, eek!

Is it weird that Nextdoor allows posting of videos, photos and personal identifiable information about children on their app? In NorCal, at least, there seems to be a lot of neighborhoods who really hate children...and dogs, apparently. Not a fan of some minority groups too, it seems. But mostly just children and dogs are suspicious. Or maybe the only ones who regularly comment on Nextdoor are those with extreme views.
First off, I made the mistake of trialing Nextdoor app, that's my bad giving another social media forum the benefit of the doubt.
Nextdoor, as I inadvertently found out, is an app that's good for discussing suspicious activities and neighborhood happenings, but actually even better for gossip and creeping on anybody. What's fascinating is that it's one of the few social forums that has no concerns about distributing content about minors or sharing details that can identify a minor on its app. It's not against community guidelines. You could record a video of your neighbor's children, or close up photos of their faces, upload it and spread gossip or make accusations about those kids (fact or otherwise). It seems you can also just outright identify the kids to help neighbors track these 'suspicious' kids down and take whatever individual action one deems appropriate. P.S. that's not limited to kids, the same content can be shared about anyone (minority group or not). But details about minors is just one of those areas that most of us (and big social media companies) usually know "just don't go there".
Even more remarkable, the content and all the gossip just stays there, unfiltered, for an indefinite period. In the era of cyber bullying and privacy awareness, this little business seems to have managed to live in a sheltered little bubble away from any watchful eyes and criticism. I wonder if it even bothers with data retention policies.
One of the first posts I came across after joining Nextdoor was a video of very young children, close-up zoomed-in photos of their faces and information pertaining to them on the allegation they may have knocked over a makeshift news or crafts box that happened to sit in front of a nearby church. Suffice to say, I've chosen not to copy the Nextdoor post on this reddit (coz...duh! it contains identifiable information about minors). The poster didn't feel the need to report the alleged vandalism to police but instead expressed that she found it a more effective channel to incite awareness among the neighborhood so fellow noble adults could stealthily take actions in their own hands if these "hardened criminals/reprobates" happen to be spotted passing on their way to school (the criminals looked to be under 10 years of age, whose mugshots was plastered on the app, and probably their addresses shared once another vigilant neighbor manages to track them down). There was a slurry of colorful hate comments about deserving 'what's coming to them', needing 'to be scared straight' and the devastating result if the righteous few don't take action early to put them on the straight and narrow path. One kid apparently had red hair...must be the devil!
There's probably similar neighborhood watch congregations on the app keeping an eye on minority groups too, but I haven't found motivation to log back onto the app.
I'm curious how many lawsuits might be brewing in the background for privacy breaches. Maybe if it ever gets big enough, might eventually come across a tweet mentioning Nextdoor and an article related to endangerment of a vulnerable group (maybe some "vigilant neighbors" take action against individuals convicted in a 'trial by social media' style).
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2021.09.20 07:29 SaurikBro Am I shadow banned from tinder?

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